A Look Ahead

Okay it's been quite a while since I last wrote anything here. At the encouragement of a co-worker I've decided to add another post. So here we go, here is what is on my mind currently.

I'm starting to think I might not be as healthy as I think I am. I try to eat right and stay somewhat active. I eat huge meals but can't seem to gain any weight. I think I may have figured out why. I typically don't eat breakfast and eat a late lunch and then maybe snack for dinner. So basically, one meal a day. This isn't anything new. I've been on this eating schedule since late 2005. I just think my body has adapted to this because if I eat more often than that then I tend to feel full all the time and I'm not a fan of that. I'm sure if I started to eat breakfast I'd gain some weight but that cuts into the amount of sleep I already don't get.

While we're on the subject of sleep. I haven't been getting any. Well that might be a lie but it's not very much. It takes me a couple hours to actually fall asleep, then I wake up approx 2 hours later, then I'm up for another 2 then asleep for another 2. Again, nothing new but I think it might be influencing my mental health which is never good especially since I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I just wish I could figure out why I can't sleep because then I could do something about it. I've tried everything from drinking to taking melatonin. Melatonin was working at first with only 6mg but now I'm up to about 20mg a night and that's just not working for me. With my current sleep schedule I'd have to dedicate about 16 hours of my day to get the recommended 8 hrs of rest. Which I can't afford to do that. I'd never be out of bed. Maybe I just have a lot of stuff on my mind?

Another thing I'm considering that might help with the sleep and eating thing is to build a home gym. I'm also planning on buying a bicycle. That way I'm extra active which will hopefully spur my hunger and wear me out so I'll sleep better. I'm tired of being skinny. Girls don't like to date skinny guys like me because I make them feel fat without even trying. It's not my fault, I'm a fat guy in a skinny guys body. Honest. Another thing driving me toward wanting this third point (besides sleep, and maybe an actual relationship) is the fact that my pant size doesn't exist. Currently I'm somewhere between a 28 and a 29 waist and a 32 length. I've found maybe 2 pairs of pants in 29x32 and I ended up buying one of em. 28x32? Non-existent.

Remember all that shit I said about 2012 starting off good with negative people being cut out and positive coming in? Yeah, I lied. True at the time but it's all bull shit now. Every time I trust someone, they end up showing me exactly why I shouldn't.

I SHOULD be dead.

By very little stretch of the imagination I should be dead or locked up in a padded room in an institution somewhere.

I crashed my motorcycle which hospitalized me for a long time
My lung collapsed, three times, which I didn't even want to go to the hospital for
I've been deployed to Iraq twice. While I wasn't in any direct combat, all it would have taken was a lucky shot with a mortar or rocket and I would have been a goner.
If I would have gotten the job I tried to do in the AF, I would be in a considerable amount of danger. However, it's what I wanted.
Many times on the highway I get cut off or nearly sideswiped.
Just the other day I almost crashed my motorcycle a second time. I'm sure it wouldn't have ended well for me.
I'm sure there are many other instances that I'm neglecting.

Every day I wake up and feel like I am taking crazy pills. Very little in the social world makes any sense to me. I fear that it never will. I suppose that's it for today folks.

On Success

There was a young man and he wanted to make a lot of money so he went to this guru. He told the guru "You know, I want to be on the same level you are"
And the guru said "If you want to be on the same level I'm on; I'll meet you tomorrow at the beach"

So the young man got there at 4am, he's all ready to rock and roll. He's got on a suit, he should have worn shorts. The old man grabs his hand and says,
"How bad do you want to be successful?"
"Real bad" the young man replied
"Walk on out into the water"
So he walks on out into the water and it goes waist deep and he says "Damn, this guy's crazy." He thought to himself "Man I want to make money and he's got me out here swimmin'. I didn't ask to be a life guard, I want to make MONEY."
The old guru says "Come on out a little farther"
The young man walked out a little farther and the water was right around his should area. He thought "This old man's crazy. He's making money but he's crazy."
"Come out a little bit farther"
So he came out a little farther and it was right at his mouth. The young man said "Man I'm about to go back in, he's out of his mind"
The old man said "I thought you wanted to be successful?"
The young man said "I DO"
The old man then grabbed the young man, dropped his head under water and held him down. The young man was being held down, didn't scratch at the old man and just before he was about to pass out, the old man raised him up.
He said "I want to tell ya somethin," he went on "When you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breathe, THEN you will be successful."
When you get to the point that all you want to do is be successful as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful.

I'm here to tell you, number one, that most of you say you want to be successful, but you don't dwant it bad, you just kinda want it. You don't want it more than you want to party, you don't want it as much as you want to be cool, most of you don't want success as much as you want to sleep. Some of you love sleep more than you love success. And I'm here to tell you today that if you want to be successful you have got to be willing to give up sleep. You have to be willing to work off 2 hours, 3 hours of sleep. And if you really want to be successful, some days you're going to have to stay up 3 days in a row. Because if you go to sleep, you might miss the opportunity to be successful. That's how bad you've got to want it. You've got to want to be successful so bad, you forget to eat.

Beyonce said once she was on the set doin her thing, 3 days had gone by, she forgot she didn't eat. Because she was engaged.

I'll never forget 50 cent was doing his movie, I did research on 50, and 50 said that when he wasn't doing the movie, he was doing the soundtrack.
Someone asked him "When do you sleep 50?"
"Sleep?" he says "Sleep? Sleep is for those people who are broke. I don't sleep. I've got an opportunity to turn this dream into reality."

Don't go to sleep until you're successful. Don't try to quit, you're already in pain, you're already hurt, get a reward from it. Don't go to sleep until you succeed

Atlas shrugged.

For the first time in a long time I found myself smiling for no reason. Life has taken many unexpected turns in 2012. I have cut some negative people from my life which has made room for the positive. I hope the rest of the year follows suit with February and March (so far).

Loss.

I know I don't have any subscribers or readers but maybe someday someone will come across this and gain some insight in my life. I call it "Loss" This is a response to a text message i received. Sorry, no we won't. You can't make someone care so much for you, check out and try to come back just as easy. I was pretty hurt by the way you treated me at the wedding so if you can "check into my life" in such an informal way then I can go ahead and say all this. Im not holding back any longer. You are no longer a part of my life or in my future. You made it quite clear in October that you no longer wanted me in yours so consider this your wish granted. You don't do what you did to someone you call "best friend." If you dont know what im talking about, maybe you should think back or put yourself in my shoes. Things between us will never be the way they were no matter how hard you try. For 10 years I was there for you through everything. For 10 years I waited for you and I had honestly believed you were going to be the one I married. Now before you say "I don't know where you got this idea of you and I ever being us" I'll tell you. I got it from you. I have proof that I can send but I don't think it will be necessary. I am no longer your "plan B" or the person you can depend on or turn to. You have made your choice. So this is it. The last sentence of the last page. This is how the story of Scott and Kim ends.  Goodbye. 

The ever elusive "happiness"

As of this posting I have been up for more than 36 hours straight. I've been to school twice. It's comedic how your perspective of things can change when you've gone without sleep. It seems like most of it has been spent staring at this computer screen doing research on depression and antidepressants. Needless to say, I now know more about both than I ever cared to prior to this point. I did take a break from my highly important research to remove the transmission from one of my cars. I probably would have continued working through the night on installing the other transmission I have for it, but it started to rain. I've washed my hands multiple times and taken three showers but I still stink of transmission fluid. It's really itchy too which leads me to believe maybe there were splinters of metal in my old trans. I wouldn't rule anything out at this point.
Anyway.
Have I ever mentioned how envious I am of my dog sometimes? He has no idea how lush his life is sometimes. All he has to do is not poop in the house or destroy. Pretty much anything else goes. But the real reason I envy my dog is because of his ability to fall asleep just about anywhere in a matter of minutes.


Sorry, took a small pause there for a minute. I forgot why I started writing this...Oh yes, "happiness". Happiness is defined by dictionary.com as

hap·pi·ness

 [hap-ee-nis] 

noun

1.

the quality or state of being happy.

2.

good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Unfortunately for me, I'm no sure I know what true happiness is or how to be "happy". I've had brief moments of being content but never total bliss. I guess I'm always looking for more out of things. If anyone has figured out a way, I am all ears.

Love?

Think of the first car you ever fell in love with when you were 16.

You've loved it since you first saw it. The headlights, the curves of the body, the way the grille seemed to smile when you looked at it. But, for whatever reason, you couldn't have it.

So you told yourself "someday...me and that car...together."

Life goes on, and you grow up. Sure, you have other cars and that car has other owners, but you never forget that car. You never stop thinking about that car or how happy you think it will make you some day.

Suddenly, it's 10 years later and you have the chance to have the car you've always dreamed of.  You pull the carfax and find out some things about it's past that make you less than happy. But it's the car you've always wanted so you accept the fact you can't change the past and decide to press on with the future.

Do you continue with your plan to get the car or do you pass on something you've thought a lot about? At what point do/should you forget about your "dream" of having that car?

Now replace the word "car" with "girl" and answer the questions at the bottom again.
I'm not trying to say women are property or anything like that, but the principle is the same.

Story of my life.